ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 01:40am on 29/12/2037
Access to this is PUBLIC(as always).

If you know me from somewhere and would like to be added, comment here

ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 03:53am on 15/07/2010
I must be going absolutely insane.

The boyfriend (who hardly ever WAS a boyfriend, really, I swear. Okay, so he stole my first kiss, and has been the only person to ever kiss me, but that counts for nothing since I thought myself criminally unlikable. Maybe he only likes me because he knows nothing about me. And we're so different, urgh! And I should really stop this before the stuff in brackets become more than my actual post.), or ex-boyfriend, if you want to call it that, talked to me again today. After a WHOLE year. During which he was a downright irritating prat to me (hello, I thought you could be a tad more friendly even though we aren't, oh, boyfriend-girlfriend material MUCH.), and giving me the BLOODY IMPRESSION that he couldn't stand the sight of me and would rather I leave him alone.

So, yes, hell, of course I did. I'm a sucker for punishment, really, but I'm not so stupid as to hang around when someone's just about hinted, explained, and hit me in the face with why it would be so much better to just give up on it since, oh, he's ignoring me, giving me death glares, pretending I don't exist, and all of the above.

Damn, what I wouldn't give for Bri to be on right now even though she hasn't been for ages so I can bitch, like, properly.

So, yes, I just about got out of his life entirely. Left his social circles, stopped going to church (because that was where I met him, and bloody hell going to cell together was very much torture), stopped talking to him, deleted his contact from my handphone, just about did EVERYTHING except delete him from MSN (as I said, I'm a sucker for punishment, so I needed something to look at sometimes just so I remember that he does not care one whit and he DEFINITELY thinks that everything was some inane mistake and just maybe he found it fun to steal my first kiss, I don't know, the idiot). Then, today, a year later, he starts up a conversation on MSN, like nothing happened and he was never a prat and everything, and asked me if I could meet him later today.

Okay, so I did.

Guess what?

He tells me, that he still likes me, and that he wants to get back 'together', and then he kissed me and...damn it, I wanted him to. I wanted to hold his hand and lean my head on his shoulder and tell him, that, yes, I still do like him very much.

And what is it with him? Right after he told me that he tells me that "but you have to understand that I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to tell the whole world and post on Facebook about a new relationship" and how he might talk to me only once a week and all kinds of rubbish three ways to hell!

Okay, fine, I understand about not wanting to tell the whole world. But would it really be that bad? He doesn't want to hold my hand in public, wants to pretend that we're walking about as "just friends" when God and the world below KNOWS that no girl would be out, sitting beside a guy in a park alone, and talking quietly, or even just going out with him at night, if we weren't a couple or about to become a couple.

He asks me if I can accept that, and I don't know, I really don't. I'm not demanding or anything, but I'd want my boyfriend to, oh, not be ashamed to be out with me, to let me hold his hand if he doesn't feel like holding mine, to be there when I need him to be. That's all. I don't expect romantic declarations of love, but I certainly want to feel loved, and...I don't feel it at all.

I'm confused. Damn it.

I don't even know if I still love him. I let it go last year. And now he ups and comes and says that I'm cute and that he still likes me and, what utter rubbish! Why'd he even break up with me in the first place? I don't understand anything at all.

And...why me?

Deep inside, I know that there's something wrong with me, somewhere. I'm pathetic. I say things I don't mean. I get afraid to voice my real thoughts. I run away when I can't handle something, the same way I ran from him. I let myself be influenced by other people's needs and wants, and hardly ever attend to my own, because I'm dead terrified of being selfish and causing trouble to people, even though doing so is exactly what causes trouble to people.

Ah, and I'm a bloody hypocrite.

We have a movie marathon date at his house on Friday. I swear, it's going to drive me absolutely insane.

Maybe I'll figure out something by then. And maybe I'll get to hold his hand, and hug him, and pretend to be scared and hide my face in his shoulder.

I'm really confused, aren't I?

I certainly don't know what I really want.
ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 08:19pm on 01/06/2009
What the heck is going on with them?!

Damn, I'm pissed off. One tells me I have until 9pm to sing, and the OTHER comes in halfway and takes up SO. MUCH. TIME. I jolly well not continue recording at all!

They're, uh, HUSBAND AND WIFE here? Shouldn't one respect the space and rules set by the other even towards their children? Ugh but they don't and never have and daaaaaaamn it's one of the things I hate the most about my family. Like, uh, the utter disrespect they have towards the need for personal space and quiet time WITH MYSELF.

This is one of the reasons, other than my criminally inadequate voice, that I've considered not singing or ANYTHING any more altogether.
ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 01:07am on 31/05/2009

Yes it is insane huge and pink and uhhhhhhh. Now on to the intro and stuffs.

Kimi Shinitamou Koto Nakare is Shangri-La's OP (also one of the songs I was fangirling the other time), by May'n (who has epic awesome voice), and is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous and hard to sing.

It took me 53 tracks and tons and tons of time (both recording and otherwise) so, uh, enjoy? Heck, even though the only one in my "circle" who'll see this is [personal profile] clefairy .
ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 03:29pm on 30/05/2009
Okay asdjalsjdajd I had an ABSOLUTELY insane day yesterday.

Firstly, I didn't sleep. Much. Like, uh, two hours, because I forgot I had an after-vaccination check-up at the hospital (which I entirely didn't mention to anyone at all, so really if this comes to you as a shock...XD;) and UGHHHHH why was it at, like, 10am?

Oh, right, because I had to go pick my brother from school at 1.

XD oh yeah with this H1N1 thing? Maaaaan getting into a hospital has never been harder. I mean, with the thermal scanners it's less invasive than that time with the SARS, but fumbling for my IC and having to figure out just HOW to tell them what I'm doing in the hospital was less fun than just the normal temperature screening.

I mean, I was going to the, uh, Clinical Trials Research Unit? Yep, the after-vaccination was mainly because what I got was a trial-based one for dengue fever.

Then after that went to the Food Fair @ Expo (alsdjajdl SO MANY PEOPLE! And first day, at that.) to buy stuff for Mum (like this weird seaweed thing that is NOT conventional seaweed but more of the japanese soup kind but not exactly) and then rushed off to pick up brother from his last day of this semester.

Yes, the primary and secondary schools here are going into June holidays, so my brother, annoying and loud brat he is, will be home ALL. THE. TIME. Not conducive to singing/recording/anything at all, but, well, he's my brother.

Then piano lesson and stuffs, and then churchwide bible study. Which was AMAZING. With too many exclamation marks and shiny things than should be humanly possible. It would probably bore everyone for me to go on and on about it? XDD.

But yeah, I think I cried more in this week than I have for like the last two years. Not that I'm depressed, really! It was just, emotional release? A lot of things that I hadn't been thinking about or thought was insignificant just got a lot more important than I thought they were.

XDDD Basically that means I slept for two hours, and was out the entire day until after midnight~ Fun times, yes?
Mood:: 'amused' amused
ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 03:47am on 29/05/2009
Well you know like if I'm going to spazz I'll crosspost this.

askdadjadjla Higashi no Eden OP. And Shangri-La OP. And Phantom OP, Basquash OPED, etcetcetc.

I mean, Oasis, May'n, ECLIPSE (Nakajima Megumi, Tomatsu Haruka, Hayami Saori) aka my favourite seiyuu group of at least this season, HIMEKA (who I've fangirled since like forever), KOKIA, abingdon boys school, FictionJunction, p'ezmoku, YUI, SID... well now you know how "vast" my music preferences are.

And ROFL Arad Senki and 8-bit music.

Sometimes I adore how Nico people take the time to compile OP and ED videos for each season and, you know, let us watch it all together without having to search when you a) might not know the name, b) wouldn't know there was one otherwise or c) wasn't interested in the season at all in the first place. Of course, there are bad things about it, like how you have to clickclickclick to skip the songs you don't like -coughALIPROcough-.

And then there is the crack music which I won't mention since, well. Crack.

Now, really, I have to compile a "to-sing" list more than ever.
Mood:: 'hyper' hyper
ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 01:42am on 29/05/2009 under ,
Okay, firstly, I must be crazy. I mean, I sang Kokoro. A Vocaloid song. And put it on Youtube. Even though really it's been like MONTHS since I last recorded anything (and Alice if you ever read this Gee doesn't exactly count because duet/collab =/= really singingsingingsinging)

Secondly, I have no idea why I'm posting here when I'm not posting on LJ much any more (might be the "oooooh new shiny!" syndrome, but really I hope not).

Isn't the name [personal profile] ballade cool? Ahahha I didn't want to use [info] - personalsakustar again because, well, in the beginning it was created as an RP account and this isn't going to be it. Besides, since recently I've been on a Vocaloid song craze (I mean, isn't it pretty) I thought that using the title of the first demo song by Hatsune Miku would be fun, and it wasn't used yet = much happiness and love. I'm probably too used to Livejournal and just how since so many people are on it it's impossible to get names you want (although I do quite often get names I want. I mean, vocalyric, celemei, sakustar, souchou, luulei....XDD).

Eternal love to the person who can make me post a possible recording list here, because otherwise I'm too lazy to do so.

Music:: Hatsune Miku - Miku no Komori Uta
Mood:: 'awake' awake


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