ballade: A sleepy Hatsune Miku (aka computer generated voice with a character) (Default)
posted by [personal profile] ballade at 03:53am on 15/07/2010
I must be going absolutely insane.

The boyfriend (who hardly ever WAS a boyfriend, really, I swear. Okay, so he stole my first kiss, and has been the only person to ever kiss me, but that counts for nothing since I thought myself criminally unlikable. Maybe he only likes me because he knows nothing about me. And we're so different, urgh! And I should really stop this before the stuff in brackets become more than my actual post.), or ex-boyfriend, if you want to call it that, talked to me again today. After a WHOLE year. During which he was a downright irritating prat to me (hello, I thought you could be a tad more friendly even though we aren't, oh, boyfriend-girlfriend material MUCH.), and giving me the BLOODY IMPRESSION that he couldn't stand the sight of me and would rather I leave him alone.

So, yes, hell, of course I did. I'm a sucker for punishment, really, but I'm not so stupid as to hang around when someone's just about hinted, explained, and hit me in the face with why it would be so much better to just give up on it since, oh, he's ignoring me, giving me death glares, pretending I don't exist, and all of the above.

Damn, what I wouldn't give for Bri to be on right now even though she hasn't been for ages so I can bitch, like, properly.

So, yes, I just about got out of his life entirely. Left his social circles, stopped going to church (because that was where I met him, and bloody hell going to cell together was very much torture), stopped talking to him, deleted his contact from my handphone, just about did EVERYTHING except delete him from MSN (as I said, I'm a sucker for punishment, so I needed something to look at sometimes just so I remember that he does not care one whit and he DEFINITELY thinks that everything was some inane mistake and just maybe he found it fun to steal my first kiss, I don't know, the idiot). Then, today, a year later, he starts up a conversation on MSN, like nothing happened and he was never a prat and everything, and asked me if I could meet him later today.

Okay, so I did.

Guess what?

He tells me, that he still likes me, and that he wants to get back 'together', and then he kissed me and...damn it, I wanted him to. I wanted to hold his hand and lean my head on his shoulder and tell him, that, yes, I still do like him very much.

And what is it with him? Right after he told me that he tells me that "but you have to understand that I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to tell the whole world and post on Facebook about a new relationship" and how he might talk to me only once a week and all kinds of rubbish three ways to hell!

Okay, fine, I understand about not wanting to tell the whole world. But would it really be that bad? He doesn't want to hold my hand in public, wants to pretend that we're walking about as "just friends" when God and the world below KNOWS that no girl would be out, sitting beside a guy in a park alone, and talking quietly, or even just going out with him at night, if we weren't a couple or about to become a couple.

He asks me if I can accept that, and I don't know, I really don't. I'm not demanding or anything, but I'd want my boyfriend to, oh, not be ashamed to be out with me, to let me hold his hand if he doesn't feel like holding mine, to be there when I need him to be. That's all. I don't expect romantic declarations of love, but I certainly want to feel loved, and...I don't feel it at all.

I'm confused. Damn it.

I don't even know if I still love him. I let it go last year. And now he ups and comes and says that I'm cute and that he still likes me and, what utter rubbish! Why'd he even break up with me in the first place? I don't understand anything at all.

And...why me?

Deep inside, I know that there's something wrong with me, somewhere. I'm pathetic. I say things I don't mean. I get afraid to voice my real thoughts. I run away when I can't handle something, the same way I ran from him. I let myself be influenced by other people's needs and wants, and hardly ever attend to my own, because I'm dead terrified of being selfish and causing trouble to people, even though doing so is exactly what causes trouble to people.

Ah, and I'm a bloody hypocrite.

We have a movie marathon date at his house on Friday. I swear, it's going to drive me absolutely insane.

Maybe I'll figure out something by then. And maybe I'll get to hold his hand, and hug him, and pretend to be scared and hide my face in his shoulder.

I'm really confused, aren't I?

I certainly don't know what I really want.


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